YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
