i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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