Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
