Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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