Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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