I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
