I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
