I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
