At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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