Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
