Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
And then my night got REAL pukey
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
