Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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