Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
