I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
ugly people sure do ruin things
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
