someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
