My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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