Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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