Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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