what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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