So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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