Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm always down for nudity.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
