Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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