I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
