Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
