I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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