hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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