The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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