did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I would fuck him just for his dog
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
