Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
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