I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
