I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
