If i come over, it means nothing
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
