forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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