Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
