weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
