im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
