shes about as inviting as chlamydia
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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