i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
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Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
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this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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