I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
