I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
