I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
