My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
