you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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