My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
It's not a walk of shame if you run
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
