You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
