Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
