just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
