yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
