this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Liz is crying about burritos again.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
