there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
