the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Randomize
