He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
