You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
