I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
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