So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
