she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
