if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
