Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
