So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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