it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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