I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
