I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
